October 5, 2004
FBI cracks down on illegal use of Kleenex
I was sitting at work this morning and I noticed I needed a new box of Kleenex. So I went downstairs and grabbed a box off of the supply closet shelf. Apparently this is new Anti-Viral Kleenex which “kills 99.9% of Cold and Flu Viruses”. This point didn’t really catch my attention but what did was where the box said, “See bottom for use directions.”
Now, I thought to myself, “Why would anyone need directions on how to blow your nose?” So, out of curiosity I flipped the box over. Here’s what it said:
Directions for Use: It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue.
Why would the federal government care how I used a Kleenex???
What if I’m driving down the road drinking a soda when I hit a bump and spill some of it. I reach for something to clean it up and all I have is a Kleenex. I think to myself, “Will they know I didn’t use it as a facial tissue?”. I quickly glance around and the other motorists are paying zero attention to me so I figure I’m good to go. I grab a Kleenex and wipe up the spill. I feel slightly guilty but I quickly move on when my favorite song comes on the radio.
What I didn’t know was the FBI had been alerted to my misuse and were now hot on my trail. Before I could get another mile down the road a large black SUV veers in front my forcing me down a small side street with a conspicuous yellow sign that reads, “Dead End”. As I see the road ending I quickly slow down and get out to inspect my car for damage. Before I make it two steps a swarm of agents surrounds me, forces me on the ground and hauls me off to be tried for my crimes.
I’d hate to see what happens to people who use toilet paper to TP someone’s house.